The incredible Shrinking Man

My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I'll be 42 in 3 months.  It's always in the back of my mind.  Blood pressure issues run rampant in my family.  I carry my mothers anxiety and stress with me.  I inherited it - there's no book or doctor that can do anything about that.  It's who I am and will always be.  Always wanting to please others before myself.  Worried what other people think.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

On August 5th, I went to the doctor because I had something weird on my back.  I thought it was a pimple at first, but it wouldn't go away.  It bled everywhere.  Ruined shirts.  It grew.  I know.  Nasty, right?  Finally, I figured out it wasn't going to go away on it's own and I had to have it removed.  I joked with the doctors that it was my evil twin's finger trying to get out. If it wasn't the evil twin, maybe I was the evil one.  Everybody laughed.  Honestly, I was scared to death at what they were going to find once they cut it off.  Turns out, everything was fine.  There was a long name for "growth that means nothing" and that was it.  But, my blood pressure was high.  A little too high to use the term "pre" anything.  This was beyond "pre" and if I didn't do something, it could be "post" real fast.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I made an appointment to have a physical for three weeks later.  I walked out of the office and I think something clicked.  I was 320 pounds.  My diet sucks ass.  Gas station lunches.  Butter covered dinners.  Never have time for breakfast.  I don't care for fruits or oatmeal or yogurt or fish.   I don't mind them, buy why have that when there is steak and gravy and convenient stuff in cans and packages that I can get from freezer to gut in 3.2 seconds?  Seriously, who's got that kind of time?  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I've got plenty of reasons for going on a diet.  Being around for my kids is the one everybody thought would get me to lose weight.  Turns out, no.  Instead, I finish all the crap that they won't eat.  I don't like to waste food.  I'd have a small meal, then eat half a pot of pasta over the stove before doing the dishes.  I gained 20 pounds at the oven.  And, at 320, nobody knew it.  I've always been a big guy, but nobody really knew HOW big.  I mean, I "wear it well".  At least I used to until recently.  A little at the neck, a little in the butt, a little around the chest, in the arms, legs, back of the head.  My gut had been screaming at me lately.  But, my excuse was something like - "I don't drink, smoke, party - the one thing I like to do is eat."  And eat I did.  What I wanted whenever I wanted.  Three times more than I should.  Who's going to stop me?  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I went home and looked around and told myself to at least get a plan.  There are so many plans that nobody knows what to do.  Low fat, low carb, low sodium, drink this, not that, biggest loser, don't lose too fast, P90X will change your LIFE!  It's all too much.  I knew what I didn't want to do - Fad diets.  No cabbage soup diet.  No adkins.  No stand on one leg and eat tofu M&M's.  I wanted to do something that I could start RIGHT THEN and keep doing forever.  Meaning always.  Meaning till I'm 142.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I turned first to what was familiar to me.  The Food Network and Alton Brown.  He had just recently had the premiere of his new season and had just lost 50 pounds.  I wanted to do what he did.  He has a four list system.  Foods he eats every day, foods he eats 3 times a week, foods he allows himself to have once a week, and foods he never eats again.  There was nothing crazy.  A fruit smoothie at breakfast.  Always breakfast, no exceptions.  Gotta eat breakfast.  Sardines and avocado for lunch......wait.  Sardines.    More on that later.  Other than the sardines, nothing I can't eat today.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I went to the grocery store and bought fruit.  I made the smoothie I saw on the TV show.  I don't eat fruit.  Turns out, I can drink it quite well.  I drink a giant purple monstrosity every morning that taste kind of like ice cream.  There are things in it that the old Steven would laugh at the new Steven for putting past his lips.  But it ain't bad.  I bought oats.  No sugared cereals.  No breakfast sandwiches in a bag.  Oats.  Turns out, it ain't so bad.  A little honey and cinnamon and BANG - instant goodness.  I bought sardines and pink salmon in a can.  More on that later.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I learned what soy milk and almond milk were.  I learned what quinoa and couscous were.  I read labels and figured out what I needed to eat every day.  I had bought a kitchen scale a couple of years ago.  My father-in-law had taken it to his house and forgotten about it.  I wiped the dust off.  In my over-preparedness, I tried to get together a spreadsheet of calories and grams and percentages of what I should eat.  I was and I am still measuring out food like a freaking chemist.  I know down to the half gram what goes in my pie hole.  Luckily, I found a free website called CalorieCount.com that does a much better job of calculating it all for me.  Threw the spreadsheet away and dove in head first to the lifestyle change that I made fun of whenever somebody else did it.  But, my mother had a stroke at age 42.

Switched from peanut butter to almond butter.  Switched from red meat to chicken and sometimes sardines.  Switched from no milk to milk, then to soy milk, and now almond milk.  Switched from white bread to wheat bread.  Switched from canned vegetables to frozen vegetables.  Switched from ice cream to light yogurt.  Switched from snack crackers to nuts.  Switched from sodas and (my real weight gain downfall) Gatorade to water.  I drink so much friggen water.  And breakfast.  Always breakfast, no exceptions.  Gotta eat breakfast.  I have a fruit smoothie each morning that makes your fruit smoothie roll over and ask for another swat.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I had the diet in place.  I stayed away from the scale.  I knew I was dropping weight but I didn't want to be shocked or let down.  I just wanted it to last.  I have a bad habit of collecting hobbies.  I'll spend tens, hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars on what I think is going to be my passion forever and then something shiny catches my eye and I ditch it for the next big thing.  I desperately DONT want this to be THAT.  I'm aware.  I have safeguards.  I have people that will nag me.  I hate to be nagged.  I was missing one thing.  A workout.  I needed to do something to make this thing happen.  The weight was one thing.  The blood pressure was another.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

I got a hold of the P90X workout system.  I had heard all about it on the radio.  Reviews all came back positive.  But, it was EXTREME.  I'm motivated enough.  So, I popped in the first video.  I almost threw up watching the first 5 minutes.  They started with 15 pull ups like it was a stretch.  Pull up?  I can't do a pull up!  I weigh 320 pounds!  I haven't been able to do a pull up since.......EVER!  It got worse from there.  No way.  I'd quit before I start.  What to do?  Turns out, there is a prequel to the P90X system called Power 90.  I got a hold of that and still felt a little sick.  That looks hard!  But, I dove in.  It is hard.  The first night was "Sculpting 1-2".  I did o.k.  I couldn't finish some of it.  But the dude that talks to you the whole time tells you  "That's o.k." (I'm sure he'll scream at me about how I'm pond scum later in the workouts....but he's nice on day one).  The next day, I thought I was going to die.  Day 2 was "Sweat 1-2" with "Abs 100" after it.  I didn't have to think I was going to die after day to.  I knew I was.   But, I kept going.  Day three was a little easier.  Day four was just as hard.  Day five was a bit easier.  Day six was easier than I thought it'd be.  Here I am sitting on Day 7 and I feel like 90 days of this will be awesome.  I can feel it in my arms and legs.  I can see it in my chest and gut.  I can breath it when I walk the dog.  I have to make it 90 days.  After that, I'll go back and look at that P90X again.  I'll probably still throw up.  But, my mother had a stroke at age 42.

Thursday, I had to go back for my followup appointment.  Nervous, but excited, I was an hour early.  I had printouts of my CalorieCount.com food logs to show my doctor.  I wore clean underwear.  I was ready.  I told myself that if my blood pressure was down, I was going to treat myself to a SMALL Dairy Queen Nutter Butter Blizzard.  I'd denied myself anything close to it for 3 weeks.  Turns out - no blizzard.  My blood pressure was better but still not "borderline."  The never say low or high with bloodpressure.  Like it's going to hurt my feelings.  It's always "pre-hypertension" or "above borderline hypertension."  It's high blood pressure!  I get it.  But, my blood levels were pretty outstanding.  My doctor was pretty amazed at the weight loss.  308 pounds.  Lost 12 pounds in 20 days.  He put me on some medication but told me to check back with him in 90 days to see if I needed the refill.  I won't. Instead of discouraging me, I worked out harder on Thursday and Friday.  I ate better than I ever have.  By Saturday, I was eating more but better and I was down to 305.8 this morning.  I'll get that small Blizzard when I hit 300 and then I'll never see another Blizzard again.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

Wait.  That's not true.  I'm not on a diet.  If I want a Blizzard, I'll have a freaking Blizzard.  If I want a chicken fried steak, I'll have one.  I'm not crazy.  I'm trying to eat clean.  I'm sure the term "eat clean" is patented and someone is making a lot of money off of it, but I feel like I made it up.  I know how many calories I need.  I know how many calories I have.  I know how many calories I burn.  Every day I'm learning more and more how to control how it all goes in and down.  I'm hoping that eventually, I won't even want that Blizzard.  I'm not on a diet.  I just eat clean.  It's o.k. to get a little dirty now and then.  As long as you take a bath and work that Blizzard off.  My mother had a stroke at age 42.

My goal is 250 pounds.  My doctor mirrored that request.  At this rate, I'll be there by Thanksgiving.  But, I'm not a fool.  I know I'm about to slow down.  I actually feel like I've lost a lot of this too quickly.  But, I can actually SEE the difference.  I have the before pictures.  I won't show them to anyone until the after pictures are ready.  They're gross, but they're still kind of me.  Soon it won't be.  My reward to myself won't be anything to eat.  When I hit 250, I'm going to call over to Salado and book a flight.  Then I'm going to jump out of that flight.  Skydiving.  Maximum weight - 250.  I thought that ship had sailed long ago.  I'm excited to have a chance to try and do it again.  My mother had a stroke at 42.

By the way - my mother is an amazing woman.  She's probably healthier now that she ever has been.  She's probably healthier than most of the people I know.  She's proud of me.  I just don't want to be sitting in a wheelchair next to her talking about how we should have done something sooner.  That's my motivation.  It's different this time because I'm not doing it for her.  I'm not doing it for Lori.  I'm not doing it because of my kids.  I'm doing it for me.  That's it - just for me.  The fact that everybody else is involved is just a huge bonus. 

I'll be different at 42.  Promise.

Diary from the Drought

Day 1 - Had a nice rain shower last night.  I'm getting a little tired of the mud, but I'm sure summer will be here soon enough.  I love summer.  Can't wait for the swimming pools and water parks.

Day 7 - Wow.  Sure did get my wish.  It's been at least 100 degrees for the last seven days.  I love it!  You can really tell who the native Texans are as opposed to the transplants that complain about the heat!  If you don't like it, go back to where you came from!

Day 14 - Whew!  It's really hot out there.  Grass is really starting to suffer.  Cooled down in the pool yesterday.  Wish it wasn't so crowded.  That's o.k.  Just part of being a Texan!  It's funny - everybody is cooking eggs on the sidewalk.  I wish they'd stop.  It's starting to stink around here.

Day 21 - Man.  This is a tough summer.  I think I've lost 50 pounds in sweat.  Sure would be nice for just one day of rain.  My water bill is sky high.  I'm getting tired of hearing how cool it is up north.  Suck it yankees.  At least we aren't living in the snow!  My seat belt has branded itself into my chest this week.  Fun!

Day 28 - Are you kidding me?  It's halfway to boiling.  106 degrees is too hot for anybody.  With the wind, I feel like I'm living in a friggen hair dryer.  Everything is dead.  I got my electric bill today and I think I'm going to have to apply for a loan to make it next month.  Sat in the pool but even that was warm.  This is really starting to get old.  The corn on the stalks has already started popping.

Day 35 - Uggggg!  I've had it.  The difference between 90 degrees and 106 degrees is the look on everyones face like somebody just farted.  My grass is beyond repair and the city is telling me to conserve water?  Screw that!  The water in the pools is evaporating so fast, the lifeguards were begging us to pee more often.  I got kicked out of Walmart today for loitering in Frozen Foods without my pants on. 

Day 42 - Now I know how the people in the middle east feel.  I'm considering putting on a turban and finding a cave.  I can't imagine the desert being much hotter than this hell hole.  I stabbed a lady in front of me today with a Slim Jim because she said she was leaving for New York to visit family.  Nobody leaves this heat.  I worry that if I fall and bump my head I'll cook to death on the pavement before somebody finds me.  This is not normal.

Day 49 -  There is a hurricane in the gulf.  Normally, everyone would be scared.  But we're so desperate for rain, we don't care if it wipes out this sand dune.  Just rain already.  The only difference between Texas and Iraq is that we have Blue Bell ice cream.  Without that, we're one step away from camels.  I had to pull of the road today because the asphalt on the road reached it's melting point.

Day 56 - I've packed the car and we're moving to Canada.  At least there I can complain about being a transplant.

American Idol - 2011 - Final Six

Over on Facebook there is a conversation and it's too hard to write paragraphs of it all.  And even if nobody reads it, who cares.  My fingers want to type.

I've enjoyed this years version of American Idol TONS more than I thought I would.  Tons.  I thought it jumped the shark without Simon.  Nonono.  There's a new Simon that nobody saw coming this year - Jimmy Iovene.  He's mean, he's caring, he's usually right, the contestants love him and hate him all in one.  He's the new Simon.  I've enjoyed the "Behind the Scenes" view of the prep work each week.  I think Idol SAVED itself this year with that alone.

The Judges:
Randy Jackson - has pretty much taken over the role of Simon by default.  He's no harsher than he ever was - he just doesn't sugar coat every single word.  He's cut back on the "dawg" and the "yoyoyo" and even the "pitchy" comments a lot more. 

Steven Tyler - I love the guy.  He cracks me up.  But, as a judge - he's horrible.  He loves everybody.  He can't tell anyone that they suck.  But, he's unpredictable in his love for everyone.  I'd like to see him do a duet with James Durbin on the finalie.  That'd be sweet.

J. Lo - Let it be known - I am NOT a J. Lo fan.  I think she's pretty.  But, I can't stand her movies (except for Out of Sight).  Idon't think she's just a bad singer.  I think she's one of the worst I've ever seen.  Her Saturday Night Live appearance was downright embarrassing.  But - as an American Idol judge - she is head and shoulders one of the best.  She's compassionate about her criticism, she loves these kids as much as Paula ever did without actually sleeping with any of them, and she can give criticism without being cruel.  I think she's found her niche.


The contestants:

Sefano - He went home tonight.  He's been one away for about six weeks now.  I think he was actually relieved.  I'm sure he would have felt guilty if he would have been safe again.  He's a likable kid.  He's an alright singer.  He still has no idea how to perform to his strengths.  He still doesn't know what kind of singer he NEEDS to be.  He knows what he wants to be.  I think off the show, he'll be a moderate star.  I think he's got more of a chance to have a career as a heart-throb for 12 year old girls than a serious artist.  But, that's the persona he wants to project I think.

Next that I think should go home:

Haley - She's a really good singer.  But, she has no - and I mean NO idea how to put on a performance.  She sang Adele last night and sang the hell out of the song.  But she looked bored doing it.  She throws her arm up.  I can only remember one performance - the one where she crawled around on the piano.  I've liked her singing almost every week, but I can't watch her.  I hope she goes home next.

After that, I think the final five can win - even if I'm not a huge fan.  In order that I think should leave:

Scotty - He bugs me.  He's doing a Josh Turner impersonation.  I'm happy that he's stuck to his roots every week, but c'mon.  Sing a rock song with a country twang.  He picked "Swingin" out of "Songs of the 21st century"?  He should be disqualified for that alone.  I was singing that in high school in the 80's.  He picks George Strait and goes for I Cross My Heart?  Of ALLLL the great George songs, that's what you pick?  And if he doesn't hold his mike like a man pretty soon, I may buy a ticket to Hollywood and arrange for an accident to injure his right hand just so I don't have to see it anymore.  I think he's a fine singer - but he's cheating himself by singing the safest songs he can find.  Next week, I heard it's Disco night.  He's going to sing George Jones "He Stopped Loving Her Today."  C'mon.

Lauren - I think she's really good and she could really win.  But she doesn't think so.  It's painful every now and then watching her get uncomfortable while the judges tell her that she is better than she's acting.  I think if she chooses to be a country star when she's off the show, country will embrace her and she'll have an o.k. career.  But not like Carrie Underwood or even Kellie Picklar.  I think she's real similar to Miranda Lambert without the edge.  Country doesn't need another Miranda Lambert.....especially without any edge.  If she chooses to go pop, I think she would be a great Nickelodeon star.  She IS a better singer than Miley Cyrus.....but I think she should have the same type of career.

Jacob - Jacob is possibly the most unique singer who can do the "biggest" things.  He's very immature though I think.  I don't think the other contestants love him like they love everybody else.  I especially don't think the remaining guys have anything to say to him.  I think he thinks he's a diva and he doesn't like Casey's off-beat personality.  But, I think Jacob could easily step in to the Luther Vandross spot that easy listening stations across America are BEGGING for.  John Legend is the only name I can think of that is in that "classy smooth R&B voice" category.  I think Jacob could be a HUGE star. He could also go into gospel music and have a safe career.  Not huge - but safe.  I don't think it's a secret that he's gay.  That might keep him from going too gospel.

That brings who I think should be the final 2:  James and Casey.
I think they both should win for different reasons.  But, if it comes down to them as the final two, I think I've got it picked.

Casey - I was glad that the judges saved him.  I wanted to see more of the "quirky" Casey instead of the "angry" Casey.  I wanted to see him play the stand up Bass and the Beatles guitar.  I wanted to hear him do things that the other contestants wouldn't dream of even trying.  He's funny.  He's entertaining.  He looks like Seth Rogan's talented little brother.  I think he'll find the most consistent career of all the contestants.  He'll be in commercials, movies, duets, guest appearances.  He's just got the personality to dominate all of it.  He's already America's puppy.  He was saved from defeat, he kissed J.Lo, he sang a jazz song and people loved it.  He's been my favorite from the beginning (except someone else has jumped him).  He's the CLASSIC "Second Place" winner. 
Season one - Justin Guarini had marginal talent, but he was likable with crazy hair
Season four - Bo Bice was amazing on the show.  Lost to Underwood.  Crazy hair.
Season six - Blake Lewis.  Crazy hair.  Beat Boxer who charmed his way up.
Season eight - Adam Lambert.  He probably should have won.  He was too controversial and quirky for America.  Crazy hair.
Season nine - Crystal Bowersox - Crazy dreaklocks.  Quirky.  More than the winner.

That brings us to:
James -  Crazy James.  He could very well come in second to Casey or another because of the same reasons I think Casey will come in second.  He's got crazy hair and crazy facial expressions.  But, his singing and performances aren't crazy.  They're always awesome.  He's the one that people are tuning in to see.  What's he going to do this week?  He usually comes through with amazing performances.  I wasn't a fan at first.  A screaming psudo-metal head?  I mean, if he really goes to OzFest, the true metal heads will pelt him with beers and batteries until he's a bloody stump.  You just can't win American Idol and be hardcore.  It can't physically happen.  But that doesn't mean he can't be the next Daughtry.  He's like Adam Lambert without the swish.  He's like Bo Bice without the southern rock.  He's like Daughtry with three more range.  I think Jimmy Iovene already has a spot for him.  He's had a couple of dud performances, but he always comes back strong.  This week's song was amazing.  He's got control.  He can tone it down and carry a tune with any of them.  He can crank it up and sing at a level that even Steven Tyler is in awe of.  He's got the backstory that the grandmothers love - he's overcome autism and other challenges to get where he is.  He's got the pipes to remind middle aged metal fans (ahem) of what music is missing.  And, if he's up against Casey, Jacob, I think he's got the advantage.  If Lauren makes it to the final two, I'd suspect her confidence would be soaring and she could sneak in and win. 

Thats what I think anyway.

Black Friday 2010

O.k. O.k. O.k.  I'm late posting this.  Fact is, there isn't much to post.  Nobody got kicked in the head.  Nobody cussed at me for taking the last Nano-bot.  Nobody lost a finger reaching into the clearance bin for Playstation games in spanish.  But - some stuff happened.  I'll try to remember in the sentences that follow.  Let's seehow motivated I am.

This is our third year of "participating" in Black Friday.  The first, I was not prepared.  I saw things that would forever change me as a human, and American, a shopper.  That poor lady probably still has a scar across her forehead from protecting that pink Leapster that her little brat has probably long outgrown. 

Last year, we were a bit more ready for what we were getting into, however, we miscalculated how important Toys-R-Us was to parents and were WAY back in line, left to deal with some 'Us managers who were tired, under-trained, and honestly - idiots.  Took us an hour to get in the door, thirty minutes to get what we came for, and probably two to check out in a web of gridlocked over achieving parents.    I won't go back to doing that again.

That brings us to year three.  Problem this year was - we had no plan.  We had already um....."made sure Santa had secured" the prized present this year - Nintendo DSi's.  Every present after that is just a wild guess based on several factors including my kids mood, attitude, the price of oil, and a few others.  So, as we sit at the dinner table with the family and big newspapers in hand, we have no idea why we would even want to participate.  We got the paper out and we all sprawled out on the living room floor.

We spotted a few things at Toys-R-Us that caught our attention.  It opens when?  10 P.M.  WHAT?  Did they consult with the government?  How the hell can it be a Black Friday sale if it starts on Thursday???  That's a major breach of shopping etiquette.  The other stores should all get together and kick Toys-R-Us's butt.  They should follow the unstated rules like everybody else.  But, their rudeness was our gain.  That just meant that we had to actually HURRY and get there as opposed to sauntering there.  And - those who know me know how much I love a good saunter.

We get to "The 'Us" around 8:30 and make it in line somewhere between the PetsMart and Office Depot (aren't all the strip malls basically the same?).  We missed the hollowed out Circuit City by about 30 people.  About 300th in line.  Last year, we were probably 500th in line.  It was a bunch colder this year than it was last year.  It started out 75 degrees, but by the time we got in line it had dropped to about 40.  Apparently, several people in the Killeen area do not own a television or radio or have any common sense because half of them were dressed like they were going to a slutty beach party.  We were in line to buy toys.  You would have thought we were there to see Lady GaGa.  I'd like to dress like that, but I didn't know we were going to the White-Trash Prom.  And one big gripe that I probably had last year.  Why isn't your baby/4 year old/handicapped mother HOME?  It's 40 degrees and late at night.  Either get a babysitter or buy your kid the knockoff oriental brand.

Toys-R-Us had learned it's lesson from last year.  I'd like to say the manager last year was fired, but more likely he committed suicide on the Saturday after Black Friday.  The replacements had it under control.  Every once in awhile, they'd come walking by with "tickets" for the big-ticket items.  When somebody screams "Mickey Mouse Picnic Table!!  I've got 3 left!!!" you think "maybe I DO need a Mickey Picnic table!"  They should do that with everything.  People would buy it just to keep everybody else in line from having it. 

Right at 10 they started letting 25 people in at a time, five minutes apart.  Took us about an hour to get to the front.  The whole time, it was getting colder and colder.  The line had started to wrap around the building.  Traffic was horrible.  Somebody tried to cut in front of a pickup with their little Kia and the guy in the pickup got pissed.  Fingers were shared.  High beams were turned on.  A truck door opened.  I got my camera ready as quick as I could but by the time the power was on - it was over.  Once we got inside the building, it was nice and fun.  There was no "must have" item that we were looking for, so we walked down the aisles and found the bargains.  A drum kit here, a keyboard there.  A skateboard with pads, games.  The Snoopy Sno-cone machine was on sale.  C'mon.  My kids have to have a Snoopy sno-cone machine.  I had 10 of them growing up.  We were done shopping in 30 minutes again.

We found our way to the end of the checkout line, somewhere between baby diapers and Legos.  The people in front of me had been there for some time and had two baskets full of crap.  I couldn't tell if their kid was 2 years old or 20.  They had a little bit of everything.  She had a notebook full of graphs and charts.  She wasn't just going after bargains.  No, she was telling me where the good clearance items were in the store.  I can buy clearance items in June lady.  I'm here for the thrill of the hunt!  She gave me some good stock tips, planned my next vacation, and diagnosed my cough with her handy little notebook while we were in line.  She was nice.  Just very strange.

The people behind me looked like they were going to a Puerto Rico wedding.  The strange thing was, they brought their elderly mother who was in an electronic wheelchair.  I have nothing against mothers in wheelchairs - I've got one.  But why is she running over my heels complaining that she's cold/tired/hot/mad.  She wanted the line to move faster, so her brilliant solution was to run into my butt a thousand times.  Like I was going to bum rush the thousand people in front of me and get her out of there.  She didn't know how to drive her chair in the first place.  The fact that we were crowded into one side of toy aisles was just ten times worse.  By the time we got out, I was ready to push her in traffic.  No.  It wasn't her fault.  It was her daughter's fault for letting her come. 

We got out around 12:10 or so.  Just missed the opening of the REAL Black Friday sales that actually STARTED on Friday.  But - we were pretty pleased with our haul of crap.  Now, we had to make a decision.  We decided to "drive-by" our local Walmart to check out the scene.  I was ready to pack it in.  We left it up to fate.  Wouldn't ya know, as we pulled in, a prime parking spot opened up?  We took it as a sign from St. Visa, the shopping God, and went in.

Now Wal-mart in Belton, Texas, is my people.  I saw about 10 people I knew.  One person recognized me from our newspaper article last Sunday.  Apparently, we had purchased too much boy stuff at store number one.  So we were there to make amends.  I did have one thing I had on my radar for "the family."  A set of new pots and pans for the kitchen.  Ours were getting nasty.  I've gotten used to flakes of no-stick teflon in my ramen noodles, but I wanted a change.

We bought three small toys, some pajamas and clothes for the kids.  Checkout was again a challenge so went ahead and got in line.  Wouldn't you know it?  Sitting right next to the chicklets, somebody had gone and set down exactly what I was too lazy to go look for.  The Paula Deen ten piece set!  I LOVE Paula Deen!  And I'm pretty sure her pans come pre-buttered. 

So, we were able to pile on a bit more before closing out and heading home.  Got home around 1:30 to relieve grandma and grandpa.  Dalton had woken up and found grandpa there.  He was told that mommy and daddy went to one of the elf meetings.  Dalton was a bit concerned that his behavior over the last few weeks might influence the elves in a negative way.  All was well the next morning though.

Oh.  And the Paula Deen pots and pans contain no butter.  That's just wrong.

Random Thoughts

Number one recent work frustration - Workers that show up and finish 80% of all the stuff they're supposed to do.  Why not just do it all so you don't have to come back?  I'll never understand it and it frustrates me to no end.  I had a list of ten people today to call and gripe out because they didn't finish their work.  I called eight of them.  I figured that'd be good enough.

New wife pet peeve - Take the damn lid off the stuff!  There's a "peel off" lid that is included with the catchup, mustard, spice bottles, butter, peanut butter, and sour cream.  For some reason, my wife doesn't want that to leave the container.  She'll peel back a part of it and then put it back.  It's confusing when you have a half empty spice jar and nothing is coming out.  Then you realize that the "cover" is still intact.  Recently, I've made it my mission to get rid of these barriers in my life.  Don't know if she's noticed or not.


I have a bad habit.  Well....maybe it isn't.  When someone is talking to me, more often than not, all I can think about is for them to finish so I can tell a better story.  Wait.  That's not right.  It's usually not a better story.  It's usually a lame story.  But it's a story I want to tell because, most importantly, it involves me.  And those stories are better.  Dang.  I just tripped on my ego.

It is SO hot down here this week.  It's been 103-105 with a heat index of 110-115.  I lay on the floor under the ceiling fan with the AC cranked down low and sweat and think "How the hell did people live in this before air conditioning?".  Then I think "What the hell is a heat index anyway?  If it FEELS like 115 degrees, then it's onn-hundred-and-fifteen damn degrees."  I talk to myself a lot.

Since I've had the kids, I've eaten at McDonalds more in the last nine months than I have my whole entire life.  Their food is absolutely horrible.  All of it.  The McChicken for a dollar is the only thing I can eat there without also eating my pride.  McDonalds is trying to beat all the other competition like Starbucks (with coffee) and now real fruit smoothies.  Why not just go the whole nine yards.  I say they start selling McBeer.  It would totally change the face of fast food as we know it.  That would be one FUN play area, too.  They could have adult night at the play area.  On second thought - eww.

The best form of parenting is the art of the BRIBE.  My kids are incapable of behaving without some kind of carrot at the end of the stick.  That carrot could be dessert, candy, lack of punishment.  Rarely do they participate in the good behavior game on their own.  Come to think of it, my wife can't get me to lift a finger without some sort of bribe, too.  She just doesn't see it that way.

Some random mother yelled at my little girl yesterday at McDonalds.  She deserved to be yelled at for what she did, but not by THAT biotch.  I was all for letting things work themself out.  My wife, however, went to protect her bear cub.  She forced Bailey to come down off the play area and offer up an apology.  It was only ten minutes AFTER the confrontation that we all thought up the best comebacks to say to her.  When she screamed "Who do you think you are?!" to Bailey, we decided the best thing for her to say was "I'm Barbie and this is my dreamhouse.  Get your kid and get off my property!"  It's always 10 minutes too late.

Went to Austin today.  Austin is cool - but-
Austin is wierd - I'm not a gay person, but I don't mind them.  But the gay people in Austin go out of their way to make you uncomfortable.  Just be gay.  Don't wear a tiara and fancy fairy wings to the grocery store to make sure everybody can see you and your 400 pounds of gayness.  I don't wear a speedo to proclaim my straightness.

My 10 favorite things:

I've committed to come up with something to blog about this weekend and the writers block is in full force.  The idea well is dry.  So, I'll go with the only thing that's floating around up there.  A list of some of my current favorite things (in no particular order):

1.  The first bite - When you're really hungry and you've just sat down in front of one of your favorite meals.  That first bite it like the dam breaking and the flavors and memories come flooding in.  Recently, it's been the first grape.  The first one is always the juiciest and best tasting.  Every bite after that is just a little less pleasurable.  In just about everything, I've forced myself to appreciate the first bite more. 

2.  Bailey's laugh -  It's hard to get to sometimes, but when I do something that makes her laugh that little girl laugh, it makes my heart melt.  She's got the fake polite laugh down pat.  That one makes me happy but doesn't make anything melt.  I get it when she tells an unintentional joke and she realizes that she made everyone else laugh.  I get it when I play one of her hand-slap games with her.  I'm sure I'd get it if she got a pony.  She's not getting a pony.

3.  8:30 PM - Actually, I dread 8:29 pm.  I've been waiting till this time to take the dog for a walk.  It's too hot to do it earlier with the kids.  So, I wait till the kids are asleep and the sun starts to set.  I get some alone time with my dog and my iPod.  The neighbors are out.  There's usually a breeze.  There's no one telling me what to do or where to walk or anything.  I end up loving my walks.

4.  My iPod touch - It was the only thing I really WANTED for Christmas.  But, no way I was getting that.  It was pre-kids but we were still saving money.  I was able to scrounge up enough that it was buyable.  One of my favorite purchases since I bought my first Tivo.  Very few things in life live up to expectations.  The iPod runs circles around my expectations.  I have any song you would want on it.  Something like 5000 songs.  I have tons of pictures and it's like having a photo album ready and waiting to show whoever ask.  I have a couple of movies on there for the kids to watch in those tense moments.  I have more than enough games to keep an army occupied.  The built in speaker rocks when I'm doing some mundane task at work and can't keep earphones in.  I hook it to my car radio and listen to the songs I want to all day.  I download podcast and catch up on radio shows I no longer get now that I've gotten rid of my XM Radio.  A year later and it's attached to me. 

5.  Dalton's accomplishments - My son had some issues when he came to us.  Still does.  Probably always will.  But, developmentally, he wasn't up to speed.  We've been working non-stop to get him up to speed.  His frustration and anger usually delays that progress we're looking for.  But, recently, he's getting it.  He had to teach himself to do things and now he's learning the right way.  The look on his face when he finally "gets it" is the definition of pure pride.  Tied his shoe (for real) and did a good job.  buttoned all the buttons on his shirt without struggling.  Learned to swim.  Caught the baseball in the glove.  All things that gave him that look.  It's enough for me to look past the frustration.

6.  My guitar - I've had my guitar for over ten years now.  For the past nine, I haven't learned to play it any better than I did back when I first got it.  I don't pick it up enough and I've taken my....ahem....natural talent for it as far as it's going to go.  I should take lessons.  But, I'm comfortable with picking it up when I need to.  I'm good enough that I can do what I know I can do.  I have my own songs that I can play.  It's like an old friend that's there when I need him.  My kids think I'm Eddie Van Halen.  I'm actually more like Teddy Van Halen, his less-talked-about brother that they don't let out of the room much.  But, I love to play it.  I love to have my kids sing along.

7.  Nickelodeon - This is a love/hate relationship.  I get sick of Nickelodeon sometimes.  But, they do something that Disney and the other kids TV channels dont - they include jokes for adults.  iCarly is a wonderful show and I like every character on it.  I want to hang out with the cast.  I'd even try to bring my kids with me.  Spongebob makes me laugh.  There are 10 other shows on there that are pretty entertaining.  And, it keeps my kids quiet and still for three to thirty minutes. 

8.  Texas country music - Blame my recent love affair with my favorite kind of music on two things.  My iPod and the free concerts they're running this summer with all my favorite musicians.  I feel like I've been let in on a secret that few people know about.  I'm lucky that I like the music that is local.  I like it more than any other genre of music.  So much so that I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that everybody doesn't like it. 

9.  Watching my dad with my kids - We're lucky to have my dad with us today.  I didn't know if he'd get to see his grandkids at all.  I enjoy his joy of watching the kids.  I enjoy his joy of watching Lori and I with the kids.  It really has been a gift when we're all together.  The same is true with my mother and Lori's parents.  But, the time with my dad is bonus time. 

10.  Sudoku - I don't want to love it anymore.  But I can't stop it.  Somebody make me stop it.

School for Parents

I've had a wonderful weekend with my kids.  July 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays because it was always around ALL my family.  To experience it with my own kids was awesome.  But, I'm tired.  It's tiring doing things with the kids.  I knew it would be, but nobody ever warned me about a lot of things that I think I had the right to know about before I became a parent.

Then I realized, no new parent knows.  They just kind of learn along with their kids and before long, they don't even know they know it.  Well....I have a million dollar idea to change that:  The University of REAL Parenting.  It's going to be great.  I have a whole set of classes just waiting to be taken.

How to Open Childrens Toys

When I was a kid, it was all about how to put the toys together.  My father would stay up all night to put that bike together, that game together......not anymore.  Everything is done for you these days.  Cheaply, but already assembled in most cases.  However, now it's the PACKAGING that is the real challenge.  Expert parents describe the panic and fear that they faced the first time their five year old demanded that they play with their Barbie NOW while the parent tried to figure out how to get the miriad of twist ties off of Barbie's legs and off of the cardboard backing.  Techniques in cutting the plastic casings so that the toy is not ruined before it even leaves the box are explored in the advanced classes.  A masters program will be offered in how to save every little scrap of the packaging in case the item ever needed to be returned for a refund.

Always Have a Little Screwdriver for Battery Compartments

No more lost battery compartment covers like when we were kids and duct tape helped hold the batteries in place.  There are little screws that help parents remember not to lose those covers.  The importance of having the right sized screwdriver so that when the batteries go out your seven year old won't commit a third degree felony on the toy is the main topic of this course.  Advanced courses discuss the importance of always having the right sized batteries at any given moment.  The masters program focuses on how to change the batteries of a Leapster 2 game while driving, on the phone, and breaking up a fight in the back seat.

Buying Tickets With your Six Year Old In Mind

On the surface, buying tickets to a movie, play, circus, concert, or sporting even might seem like a simple task.  Most new parents who want to please their child try to get the best possible seat so that the event is the most enjoyable.  However, what any parent who has been through this even once can tell - this is a falsehood of epic proportions.  The importance of BATHROOM LOCATION will be discussed for the majority of this course.  Advanced classes focus on bathroom breaks and the intervals at which these must be taken in relation to A) Concession Stand visits  B) Size of soda purchased  C) When the most important/interesting/special moment of the event is going to happen as to not miss it by standing in line for the bathroom.  The masters program will delve into how to position yourself so that your seating allows for minimal inconvenience of the people around you.

Six Year Old Negotiations

Once the new parent has successfully completed their law degree from an Ivy League University, they will be allowed to take this introductory course in negotiating with a six-year-old.  Techniques such as remembering exactly what was said three months ago so that "But you said..." can be rendered useless will be discussed.  Dealing with difficult situations such as "That's Not Fair," "I don't like that food this time," "Last time you let me," and the dreaded "but pleassssse?" are dealt with in an unemotional process.  There is no Masters program for this subject.  If anyone is able to actually pass this course, you get the Masters degree for free!

How to Turn a 5 Minute Game into a 2 Hour Time Waster

There is nothing scarier to a seasoned parent than a rainy Saturday morning with nothing planned for the day.  How to fill THAT many hours?  This course will teach you 1001 ways to keep a 6 year old occupied with a deck of playing cards, a rubber band, and a stick.  Parents that pass this class are eligable to participate in teaching the "How to Survive a Wolf Attack" class.

Don't Listen to the Experts - The TV is the Best Babysitter

Many new parents who have taken parenting classes have been told for years not to just put their kids in front of the TV and let the television do the parenting for them.  At The University of Real Parenting, we challenge that belief system.  The simple fact is, the people that program childrens television are probably pretty good people.  Spongebob must have some educational value.  iCarlie seems to be a good show.  As kids, we had to look past questionable TV role models such as Peppermint Patty and Marcie (why did she call her Sir?), Bert and Ernie, and H.R. Puffinstuff.  What harm could todays programming do to our kids?  Let the TV executives who spend millions on focus groups and marketing do their job.  You owe it to your kids.
 

The Art of Never Answering "Why?"

This simple word has caused nervous breakdowns in parents for years.  This class will focus on the simple task of NEVER answering the question of WHY.  "Can I have a cookie?  No.  Why?"  The end.  Common mistakes of "Because I said So" and actually trying to reason with the child through a useless game of logic and understanding are dissected.  By simply making it policy, parents have been able to actually enjoy their lives again.

Ending A Fit Without Bloodshed

The University of Real Parenting is still searching for a suitable professor for this position.

Random Thoughts

Damn. It's been a long time. I need to kick start this off again. Some of these I've probably heard from someone else....but I'm typing them in anyway:

I just emptied the dishwasher. We had 17 different kid of glasses and cups. In my heaven, there will only be small cups and large cups. All stackable. There is no need for a different cup every time. But, I'm sure in heaven, I'll have a naked angel girl do my dishes.

When I'm driving and I see a pedestrian, I hate them. When I'm a pedestrain, I hate drivers. But no matter what I'm doing, I always hate people on bikes. Always.

I just started watching Glee. It's pretty good. But, I'm worried that they're all really dead and the series final episode will explain that they all died in a high school shooting and Glee club is really a metaphor for heaven. And that will piss me off.

If I ever went back in the past 50 years and could take one item with me to show how cool the future is going to be, it would be my iPod Touch. Shoot. Somebody showed me one a month ago and I thought THEY were from the future......and I OWN one.

Speaking of the past. If I felt the way I feel on a GOOD day now when I was 15 years old, I'd ask to go to the doctor and stay home from school. I remember when I could fall off a roof and get right back up. If I did that today, I'd envoke the DNR request even though I'd probably still be awake.

Laura Bell Bundy is to country music what O-Town was to pop music. Extremely unnecessary and cheesy. It's seriously embarrassing to watch her "sing" her song and know that I'm from the South. Giddie on up....Shuttie on up. She's like Britney Spears with no talent. She's doing choreography on the same stages where Johnny Cash punched a guy. There should be no choreography in country music. Seriously.

I'm not sure how people grocery shopped before plastic bags. I would rather carry 50 of them at once than make 2 trips to the car. And screw you if you look down on me for not being "green". I'm done faster. That saves energy. Or something like that.

I took my kids to see IronMan2 (so my wife could go see Sex and the City 2). I thought my son would enjoy it and I guess he kinda did. But he must have asked "What just happened?" about a thousand times. He was more worried what the name of the bird was.

Spongebob is the most genius cartoon of all time. Why? Because there are no commercial interruptions from the beginning of one episode to the end of another. I could care less about plot, story, etc. It keeps my kids still for 11 minutes at one time.

I think I'd watch iCarly even if I didn't have kids. It's funny and I like every character. And, I'm pretty sure my interest in Sam (Carly's sidekick) borers on creepy with criminal a few exits down. But hey - I liked Kristie McNichol when I was a kid. So that should explain it.

I don't text in my car while driving. I play iPod video games. It helps me focus.

The World Cup is starting today. I was all excited to watch it because it's the biggest sporting event in the world and it only happens once every four years. Did you know it's soccer? Screw that.

Gary Coleman died and I read that they just found Will #3. I say they just give it all to Willis and call it a day.

I watched a commercial today for the Snuggie. What a stupid idea. I wanted to change the channel but I ended up watching the whole thing. I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold.

My son stinks at Rock/Paper/Scissors. He loves rocks. And we all know it. It's hard not to be a paper person when you know that.

A friend of mine is going to jury duty on Monday. I gave her my best advice I've ever given anyone. Preface ever question with "According to the prophecy......."

It's getting late. I'm getting tired. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was ever not just a little bit tired.

Christmas Stream of Thought

Ahhh....10:25 PM. The first chance I've had since I woke up this morning to sit and just reflect. I've got crayons in the crayon maker (like an Easy-Bake oven for crayolas to make new ones) because somehow, my kids think I promised to make them their own crayons by morning. Whatever. I get to play with one of their toys tonight. I ain't complaining.

I'm forty years old and this is the first year of my lifetime that I didn't celebrate Christmas under the tree with my parents. But - you know what - I never had a better offer until this year. Dalton and Bailey have made things a bunch different around here. Christmas was as rewarding as any Hallmark card or Norman Rockwell painting could have painted it. It was harder than that - but just as satisfying.

Wednesday night, I got the party started by mixing up all the dough for sugar cookies. The kids were wired for speed. But the threat of Santa Claus coming seemed to temper things just a bit (I hope). Thursday, I got off work early and the bake-a-palooza began. I made sugar cookies, cheese crispers, sausage balls, and a couple other kinds of cookies. The kids impatiently waited for everything to be done because all they cared about was decorating them......

In the middle of it all, an unexpected and AMAZING thing happened. It snowed! It snows so rarely down here, and even more rarely for the kids. I was hoping that there could have been some that stuck. there was enough to make two small snowballs.....my kids didn't get it. Any snow to them is a blizzard. Still....it was a magical thing to happen on our first Christmas Eve together. Cookies were decorated. Fudge was made. Quiet time on the couch watching bits of Home Alone, A Christmas Story, and every other show we could find.

Overall, the kids were as behaved as I think they ever have been. They colored and played quietly on their own. Just to type the words makes me gasp in amazement. It's been a long four months to get to that point. Getting them to GO to their room has been a challenge. To have them willingly go there without a fight is an accomplishment. The fact that they were playing there without a newsworthy event was a Christmas miracle. Our biggest challenge has been bedtime. It was the first and only time they willingly went to bed. Dalton was especially adorable with his excitement. I hope I remember that look and that evening many years from now. I think I will.

Around 10:30, Santa stopped by and delivered the presents. I wrapped the couple of small things I got for Lori. Savored the quiet to myself for an hour or so.

Saturday morning, I beat the kids up out of bed(unusual accomplishement). I was able to get the kids from their room to ours without them gawking at the tree. We patiently waiting for Sant.....errr...Lori's parents to make the 5 mile trip over to our house. Once they arrived, we opened present calmly and excitedly. They each had ten gifts and there were eight "group" gifts. The kids even let mom and dad open a few and were actually interested in what they got.

Just before they were finished opening presents, Dalton realized there wasn't a scooter yet. He asked if it was because he wasn't a good boy. "I don't know. We'll have to find out from Santa." He was o.k. with that answer. I had them pack up all the trash and take it out to the garage to the trashcan. That was a neat moment. When they realized that they were pretty good kids after all. They were SUPER excited to get on them. It was still a little dark out and we had to wait. We went back in and had piggies in a blanket and cinnamon rolls.

Here's what I learned on Christmas morning:
Worst Gifts My Kids Got on Christmas:
1. Walkie Talkies - What was I THINKING?? I have now given my kids the ability to fight with each other from separate rooms.
2. Velcro Ball "dart" boards - It was a good idea at the time. One ball is lost, the other has been thrown at every family member. They didn't last long.
3. Light Saber - "This is not something to hit your sister with!" That lasted all of an hour before tears were shed. Just not ready.

Best Gifts My Kids Got on Christmas:
1. MP3 Players. In fact, ANYTHING with headphones! They put the headphones on, listen to whatever song they want without fighting about who likes what and they dance and sing and act cute. We weren't expecting them to take to them so much.
2. Leapsters. I have to say I was really worried that my kids would think they were too "easy." They've never had a video game though - so they're just happy to push buttons. I'm so impressed with how much they've learned in three days. My little girl knows more spanish (Dora game) than I do. I actually heard her say "Dang it! I KNEW it was an S" when she was trying to spell the plural of a word. Dalton has a Dinosaur game. Leapster has added "secret codes" that the kids can get if they get to the next level. I take the codes onto the internet and they get "prizes." So far a dinosaur coloring page and a Piston Cup cut out. It's keeping them interested in the game. Way to go Leapster! Oh - one final bonus - HEADPHONES!
3. DVD player for the car with dual screens. The DVD player with a MP3/Leapster combo has made driving our vehicle so much more......fun?......quiet?......satisfying. I think that's the word. No fights, no "Daddy LOOK", no "STOP LOOKING AT ME". Oh.....and HEADPHONES.

We actually went to big lots and bought six more sets ($4 a piece). I'll never run out without having backup headphones.

We played, eventually got on our scooters. There were a couple of spills. I need a butt-pad for Dalton. Bailey stops by running into the curb and flying over the handlebars into the grass. She thinks it's quite fun. Daddy is looking for alternatives. We played until 2 and then went over to MeMaw's and PePaws.

It was true my whole life - Christmas at my parents was like Santa's dumping ground. We hit the jackpot every year. Now it is for my niece and nephew. We went over to see what they scored. The big score was the trampoline. My kids had a blast. They got another big score of Barbies, Littlest Pet Shop, and Hot Wheels Cars. One thing my brother, SIL, and mom and dad did well was got my kids storage. Hot Wheels Storage. Purses. Very cool for mom and dad.

My brother started a new tradition about four years ago that has become my favorite tradition of all. I had forgotten about it with all the hubbub this year. We tired of the traditional turkey and dressing dinner. He works so hard at making Thanksgiving such a big deal that it almost becomes boring on Christmas. SO - we go Cajun Seafood! We all love seafood (the kids don't - but we're done with them by Christmas evening). Crawfish etouffee, grilled talapia, boudin, shrimp as big as a fist ("I'm not a shrimp - I'm a KING PRAWN"), hush puppies. And it rocked. ROCKED. I brought home leftovers and I'll eat them for the next 4 days.

I'm going to end my perfect Christmas story there. Because on the way home, the perfection wore off. Saturday and beyond has been a mess. But, with that much distraction, it's expected.

It was a Christmas I'll never forget.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Black Friday 2009 - The Return

My special Black Friday uniform. I was trying to let the people in front of me know that they should move to the back of the line to get better service. Nobody moved.


Last year I witnessed my first real taste of Black Friday. It was an innocent 5 am trip to WalMart to get a $5 Barbie doll on our way to Circuit City. What my wife and I saw changed us forever. We were both a little less innocent from that day forward.

Fast forward a year later. This year, we have actual kids to buy for. Not just me saying that I have kids - really buying toys for myself. We decided we were going to take this seriously this year. I started doing my research two weeks ago. Turns out the ads appear online weeks ahead of time if you really look. By Monday, I had a good healthy list of stores we could go to. We modified it throughout the week.

After Thanksgiving dinner, my wife and I sat down and made sure we had a gameplan. We mapped it out. First up - ToysRUs at midnight. Second - Target at 5 am. Then - Staples, Office Depot, or Office Max for one last purchase.

The timeline:
11:00 pm - Lori's parents arrived at our abode to "babysit" our kids. The kids were dead asleep after a rockus day at meemaw and peepaws. A bomb could have gone off and those kids wouldn't have woken up. But, just in case, they were standing by. The plan was to tell them that mom and dad were having a meeting with Santa Claus. Dalton wasn't very good going to bed. That would have scared the bajeezus out of the poor kid. I was leaving prepared this time. Armed with a camera, "5 Hour Energy", and a pretty impressive shopping list, Lori and I made the 20 minute trip to downtown Killeen to hit ToysRUs at midnight. Plenty of time. On the way, we stopped and heckled the poor kids at Best Buy. They had been on television earlier. They'd been sitting out since Wednesday. I wanted to know what they were buying....so I asked. I wanted to ask if they had real jobs (or real familes....I already knew they didn't have real girlfriends) but we decided to head to the 'Us.

11:30 - We pulled around the corner and our stomach's sunk. The line was loooooong. It stretched around the building. I'd say there were 500-700 people in front of us. The good news was once the place opened, there were 500-700 people behind us, too. There were people in shorts and flip flops (it was 38 degrees). There were people there with their kids. There was one lady right in front of us that had a newborn. Before the line started moving, we noticed flashing lights the mile or so ahead (at the front door). We heard through the grapevine that it was like cutters. At that moment, I didn't care about drugs or gun crime. Arrest those line-cutting SOB's! I was COLD and Lori was starting to get grumpy. I kept the crowd cheerful with my tired wit and dry judgmental humor (Everybody in front of us is going to ToysRUs. Everybody behind us is going to ToysRThem......Is this the line for the Sarah Palin book signing?......Is this the line for Academy?.........The manager just told me that Taylor Swift is doing a surprise concert inside.) There were one or two people that didn't take my jokes the right way and got a little offended. If you decide to bring a newborn baby to stand in line in the 38 degree weather for an hour, then you deserve to be made fun of. And we just told her to go sit in the car and we'd let her back in line so the baby would stay warm. Most of the people around us had a good time.

12:45 - We're at the door! We had decided at that point that with all the people in front of us who had raped the shelves, we should just grab anything pink or blue and be happy with it. Our shopping list was detailed and plentiful with exact sale items. Once we got in, we instantly found the one "must have" item for us - Leapsters. Only green - no pinks left. Oh well....two green ones it is. We had other items on our list - some we nailed, some we missed. Once we decided we had scavenged all we could scavenge, we decided to find the end of the line. But - that was easier said than done. We quickly discovered that the captain of the ToysRUs ship was for ages 5-7 like the Leapster we were purchasing. There was a gridlock of baskets, rednecks, and white trash that were quickly growing angry and tired of the manager's directions. It was a mess. It took over an hour to get through the checkout line. And, that was with a little luck. Somehow, we ended up spending $178. But - the impressive stat is that we saved $143 dollars.

2:30 - Lori and I get back in the car with our new treasure. Our ankles a little sore. Our knees a little weak. My Five Hour Energy drink has kicked in full force. Lori, on the other hand, is fading fast. We get home around 2:50 and relieve the babysitters. They look at us with the pity and confusion of only two parents of 80's children can look. There was Black Friday in their day - but they didn't participate. And if they did, it wasn't at 3 am. I took a bathroom break, stocked up on supplies, got my ad's for Target and etc and hit the road again. This time solo.

3:30 - I pull up at the Temple Target and find that I'm in pretty good position. I'm about 30th at that point with an hour and a half wait until the doors open. The crowd is much more subdued (as any 3:30 am crowd should be). Pleasant, but honestly a lot more boring. I couldn't be friends with these people in real life. They snickered at some of my jokes ("Lets all rush across the parking lot and kick the butts of those Best Buy wussies") but I was tired and they weren't listening as much. I took a seat on the concrete and did my best not to drool on the shoes of the person in front of me. I took my second hit of 5 Hour Energy around 4:30 am. My list was a lot more serious this time. It consisted of the stuff I was not able to get at ToysRUs (Razor scooters, board games, Bakugan) and some stuff I was specifically there for (Leapster games, DVD car player). I checked the line before entering the store and saw that it was as impressive as the ToysRUs line earlier in the evening. Just the boost I needed to keep me motivated and my eye on the prizes.

4:59 AM - The staff at Target was awesomely friendly and helpful. Nothing like the dee-dee-dee's at ToysRUs (who looked as if the crowd in front of them was just a big game of russian roulette). They gave us neat little nylon shopping bags, maps of the store, helped the clueless on where to go once they entered the store. There were enough employees that it seemed like if there wasn't someone hovering over me, I could find someone if I just turned around. I got my Razor scooters to complete my "must have" list for the night. Got my Bakugan set, Uno cards, Candy Land game, Magnadoodle Pro, DVD, a little somethin' somethin' for myself, and then finished up with a butt load of Leapster games. Enough that I can give them games for Christmas and then another for their birthdays soon after Christmas. The DVD player for the car might even be an after Christmas/birthday gift. Looking at my list, the only thing we had as a "must have" that we couldn't find is karaoke microphones. At Target, we bought some big ticket tiems. Spent - $277. Saved $171 plus a $10 gift card (so $181). Impressed with my big bad self, I headed to my last destination.

5:30 am - I stuck my loot in the back of the truck and walked two stores down to Office Max. There were only three people in line. A kid who obviously had no friends away from his computer screen and two nerdy old men. I sat and listened to the nerdy geezers talk about how they had camped out at Best Buy since Wednesday to get a laptop computer that was awesome (but without Blu-ray, a camera, less memory than they would like....but other than that.....). As tired as I was becoming, it was rather relaxing. I was just here to get a wireless printer for my wife and I. If I didn't, no big deal. But the one we wanted was on sale for half price and is supposed to be awesome. Thirty minutes and we're done.

5:50 - Still listening to the old men impress each other with their computer conquest. But, I heard one of them say something about 7 am. 7 am? What happens then? Office Max opens at 7? No way....it must be 6 am. Everything opens at 6 am. Loner Everquest dude chimes in that the ad in the paper says 7. Screw that. I have TEN MINUTES to make it to Staples. It's 15 minutes away......but I'm in the zone......

5:59 am - I screech into the parking lot at Staples and walk up to the line of about 30 people about the time the doors open. I find exactly what I'm looking for. Looks like there is one left. I grab what I need. Cost - $162. Save - $150. In and out in 4 minutes.

6:23 am - I pass by Shipley's donuts and decide that donuts are a good thing after a night of no-sleep shopping. I grab a dozen and head to the house.

6:40 am - Home. Complete. I sneak the Target warez into the closet and hide them, update Lori on my antics and hijinxs, and sit at the computer to decompress. Thirty seconds after sitting down, my little boy is up and comes in to give me a hug. He has no idea I ever left the house. Except now there is a big printer box in the middle of the floor. Five minutes later his sister is up pestering the dog.

7 hours and 40 minutes of activity and it's over. We need more stuff for Bailey. Dalton is easy to buy for. He likes everything. Bailey - notsomuch. She's hard to buy for. She likes Dalton's stuff. But, if it was over today, our kids are more than taken care of.

I'm 20 minutes from my second round of Five Hour Energy wearing off.

Total Stats:
$617 Spent
$474 Saved
$1091 worth of crap purchased

Random Thoughts

It's been awhile. I have a couple of good excuses for not writing. Their names are Dalton and Bailey. They go to bed at 8 so I should have time to myself in the evenings....you'd think, huh? I have several random thoughts I thought I'd jot down.

Watching SNL right now. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the host. He looks like he's uber-talented. That's my way of saying that he's a lousy SNL host. I think if I met him, I'd want to punch him in the face. But I bet other actors love him.

If I were 12, I'd have the HUGEST crush on Jennette McCurdy (Sam on iCarly). She's this generation's Kristy McNichol.

Nothing bores me more this year in sports than watching SEC football.

I'd love to keep a blog of unusual, strange, and cute things my kids say. They say so much I could fill a book. By the time I find a pen or get to the computer, I can't remember what it is. Sucks.

The more I watch the Mentalist, the more I love it. I don't think I love it as much as I loved Heroes the first year it came out....but it's the only TV show I make time to watch now.

In regards to the Jon and Kate situation - I'm waiting for the older kid to get into porn and write a book to figure out which parent screwed up that family. Oh wait. She'll be in porn. Never mind. They both did.

I don't mind the cold. I hate the wind when it's cold. I don't mind the rain. I hate the mud after the rain. I don't mind the sun. I hate the sunburn.

I'm watching the Dave Matthews Band on SNL now with closed captioning on. What language is he singing in. Because thats not english on the screen.

I am still addicted to watching UFC and i can't figure out why. I don't like boxing. But, I watched. I just watched Forrest Griffin beat up Tito Ortiz. Tito lost - but he's married to Jenna Jameson. So - does he really lose?

Last year was my first adventure into Black Friday. Now, having two kids, I'm getting ready to put on the gloves and get serious. ToyRUs, Walmart, Target, and Office Depot. We have a plan. Plan B involves violence and duct tape, but we're hoping it doesn't get that far now, aren't we? (And i'm gonna take my camera. I'm buying one too)

Speaking of Black Friday, here's the list of things we want to get:
-Scooters for the kids (they aren't ready for bikes, but they're too big for trikes). We want this to be their "big gift"
-A Karaoke machine or karaoke microphones. The kids love to scream
-If it works out at ToysRUs, Leapster 2's are in the kids future.
-The software is on sale at Target.
-Magnadoodles
-Bakugan - I don't understand it. I don't want to.
For me:
- A digital camera. I've researched until my eyes bleed, and I haven't figured out what I want. Well....that's not true - what I want, I can't afford. I haven't decided what I'd settle for.
-A wireless printer.
-SD cards for storage
-An iPod touch.
I'm not getting my iPod touch - it's just not in the budget. The printer and cameras I want are on sale at Office Depot. Who woulda thought. I'm a Best Buy guy. Best buy deals suck this year.

My little girl cracks me up. She makes up words....or rather invents words.
She likes to mix ranch dressing and catchup for her chicken nuggets - "Ranch-up"
Today we saw a broken entertainment center on the side of the road - "Freeniture"
She just told me that she burped and farted at the same time. - "Farped"

(the day after I started this blog post)
I bought a camera today. I researched for 3 weeks. When I got to the store, I cheaped out and got the cheapest one that I liked instead of the one I know I wanted. Now that I have it home and charged up, I'm trying to talk myself into liking it. I don't like it. I've got to find a way to return it and get the one I want. I'm an idiot sometimes and I HATE returning stuff.

Inglourious Basterds

My wife and I took some time out of our busy weekend schedule to see the new Terrintino film, Inglourious Basterds. I'm a Terrintino fan. My wife is a Brad Pitt fan. It was a no brainer. We try to go to the first showing on a Sunday when we can. We hiked the 20 miles to Harker Heights to the "fancy" movie theater, got there early, got our popcorn, and settled in for a fun movie.

But first - I have a gripe. It almost kept us from seeing the movie. The Basterds is a strong R rated movie. Much gore and violence....but still a pretty funny movie at the same time. The movie was supposed to start at 12:15. At 12:40, the movie finally started - WHY? Because of the GROSS amount of movie previews. Now, don't get me wrong. I love movie previews. But they've started to "target market" and show the appropriate previews for the movie that's playing. So, every one of the previews we saw was an R rated violent movie. There were TWELVE of them. Most were about the end of the world. Most were gross, scary, or just downright depressing. The last one was was for Halloween 2 and scared the crap out of everybody in the movie theater. By the time the movie started, I wanted to slit my wrist and get it over with. I mean, according to three of the movies, the world is going to end any minute now and only a few of us will survive and then we'll hunt each other down. Lori almost walked out. I was really nervous that she would. She was in such a bad mood when the movie started that I thought it had been ruined for her.

Anyway - back to the movie. It was classic Terrintino. The first Chapter was a long, drawn out dialog with a french farmer and a Nazi nicknamed "The Jew Hunter" played by Cristoph Waltz. Last summer, when I saw Heath Ledger play the joker, I knew I had just seen the best supporting actor. I think I just saw it again. Any comparasons to Hannible Lecter are justified. He was a psyco.
But the Basterds were good fun. Every single line Brad Pitt spoke was greatness. He nailed the part. Dare I say his was my favorite Terrintino character of all time.....and that's saying something. Waltz's character was the most evil, but I wouldn't mind at all if someone did a backstory movie on how Lt. Aldo Raine (Brad Pitt) got to be where he was. He had a scar across his throat that was never explained. The rest of the basterds were entertaining, but not nearly in the movie enough.

The movie had everything you want from a Quintin movie - a mexican standoff, one of the main characters dies in early in the movie (don't worry....I didn't give anything away), and the narration and music is cheesy and cool all at the same time. No scene is rushed and the dialog carries on for longer than any other director has the nerve to talk. Each scene is a movie in itself.

There are actually two stories going on at the same time, both clashing in the movie theater at the climax. The story that did not involve the basterds was pretty entertaining, but not nearly as much. But, it did help to make a very satisfying payoff at the climax to the movie.

.......and everything that happens after the climatic scene is wonderfully pleasing as well. It may not be the BEST Terrintino movie (I love Kill Bill 1 and Pulp Fiction is realy good too). It may not be the BEST World War 2 movie (Saving Private Ryan, and my indulgent favorite "1942" hold a special spot). But, it was amazingly entertaining. I'm not really a Brad Pitt groupie, but I'd see another movie with his character in it anytime.

.......just lay off some of the previews.

Use What You Have

A cake pan. Bleach. Duct tape. Rubber tubing. A leaf blower.

Here's the story.

Finally settled down in my chair to rest. Worked all morning, then rescued my parents with a dead car battery, took my wife to Target, took my truck to get washed, quick lunch.....now resting until we go to Salado (Stagecoach Inn) for my MIL's 70th birthday celebration (calm down...I'm not that excited).

My wife and I hear a sound we'd rather not hear. Drip drip drip. It's coming from underneath our AC unit. Why do these things always have to happen on a SATURDAY when every person I could call to fix it for me is knee-deep in nowhere near me? Worst possible time for our AC to be shut off. This has happened before and it SOAKED my carpet. It took me days to convince my wife not to replace it until I did every construction trick I knew. I was able to escape without $4000 of new carpet. I got smart and put a metal cake pan underneath the area that leaked last time so that if it started dripping again, I'd be able to hear it. Thank God we were home and we DID hear it (monumental victory #1 - I'll be using the "I told you so" for years and years on that one!).

So....the AC company that installed this when the house was built did it.....unusually? no......differently? no......wrong? Yeah. Wrong. The condensation line goes directly into my slab and then comes out underground. For it to drain, it has to go uphill. Water doesn't run uphill very well. But, my bad for assuming that they knew what they were doing 3 years ago. I know better. Of course it showed up 2 months after my 2 year warranty was up. So, I hired MY A/C company to do their best to fix it. Put in a p-trap (you don't need to know if you don't already), fixed some stuff out in the yard...but I still suspected it might show up. So....when today's "drip drip drip" started, I went into action.

Problem is, I don't keep a lot of tools that normal people have. I'm a builder - I hire people that have those tools so I don't have to have them. But, this needed immediate attention. I found a piece of rubber tubing that I had left-over from an ancient hobby I briefly had of making little fountains. I have a habit of collecting hobbies. I have tons of stuff I save that I'll never use in a million years. Most gets sold at garage sales, given to Good-will, or just thrown away by the powers that sweep through the house every now and then. Luckily, this looked work related, so it got stored in a box. I used it to stuff it down the pipe to see if I could see what was blocking the pipe. I pulled out a little bit of slime. I could already hear my wife in the background mumbling things like "Maybe we should call............Do you want my dad to........Are we going to need new carpet?..........So that's where my cake pan went to.........I'm hot......."

So....I knew what had to be done. First, I poured as much bleach as I could to kill any mold/mildew. Most of it poured out into my cake pan. I was proud of my pan once again. My big problem was I knew that I had to "blow out" the pipe. That was the only way to reach the slime. My neighbor has a compressor....but my neighbor likes to talk and show me stuff and have me help him move big piles of nothing. That was going to be my LAST resort. I needed something else. Something more "clever."

I searched the garage over. Duct tape! I grabbed it, not sure what I was going to use it for. But I knew that it fixes everything. Digging through, finally it hit me. I have a leaf blower that I never use because my in-laws cut the flex-pipe off short. Because I'm tall, it's useless to me. A short stubby person can control it quite well I imagine. I had it figured out.

Wrapped the duct tape around the end and created a tube and taped the other end to the pipe. Turned it on and ran around to the outside of the house. It looked like my condensation pipe just awoke from a hangover and a mass of slime popped out of the hole. Disgusting, but sweet all at the same time. I did it! I saved myself $150, I get to sit in the AC for a little while longer, and I get the satisfaction of telling my wife "JUST LET ME DO IT" for a few more weeks.

Bring on the in-laws! I can fix anything!

Gay Marriage/Adoption

Sitting here on an innocent Sunday afternoon and my wife played back a show she tapes called 30 Days. It's done by the same guy that did SuperSize Me and she loves him. I think it's a lot of propaganda and I don't watch much of it. The host - Spurlock is his name I think - has his beliefs and I don't think he "documents" it as much as he spins it to his way of thinking. If I agree with his opinion, I'm entertained. If I don't, I get angry. This morning's show however, I DID agree with the spin, yet it made me angry at the same time. So much so, I need to write about it. What better time for a blog post.

Today's episode was about gays and lesbians being allowed to adopt. There was a gay couple with four adopted boys who had a guest. She was a mormon who was very set in her moral beliefs that gays and lesbians should not be allowed to marry or adopt. Her core arguement was that having kids in a gay family would help to "train" them that it's o.k. to be gay and that such issues should be shielded from children at all cost.

The show made her go into situations where she was confronted left and right by gays and lesbians that were compassionate and understanding of her beliefs and many more who were confrontational and downright angry that she wouldn't change her mind on the spot. She kept telling the gays that it wasn't personal and they fired back that it sure the hell WAS personal when she fought to pass laws to prevent them to adopt (and marry....but that issue was put on the back burner). To her credit, she did not throw religion in their face. She simply stood firm in her beliefs.

The most emotional part was when she talked to two kids that had "aged out" of the foster system. They explained that they'd rather be raised by aliens than live in the situation they grew up in. They showed her the group home and the neighborhoods they grew up in. It was heartbreaking.

That's when I got angry. This compassionate woman totally understood the issue. But, her belief that being gay is "wrong" outweighs the reality that kids need to be adopted. She met this gay family that was better than 95% of all families on the planet, yet she thought the kids should go somewhere else because they slept together. She was offended when the gay dad told her he didn't think they would stay friends off the show because his friends support him and he didn't think she could. She thought that if she suupported him, that meant that he wasn't supporting her beliefs. She had several emotional breakdowns when she hit that "wall" of questions that her religious upbringing wouldn't let her question.

I have more than a few friends and especially family that are just like this woman. Compassionate, loving, caring, and understanding. Yet, when an issue comes up that questions a belief that they've had since they were little - there is no room for the question. The answer is "God's will" or "the bible says" or "that's just my opinion and we are never to speak of it again." It frustrates me more than anything else in life.

In school, I was an outstanding student. My biggest flaw, according to my progress reports, was "doesn't ask enough questions." So, over time, I learned how to ask questions. I learned to challenge authority respectfully when I needed to. I was forced to learn this. As an adult, I have questioned many of the things I learned when I was five, including religion. I am accepting that people have religious beliefs that are the basis of who they are. But, and this is the reason shows (and opinions) like this make me SO angry - When presented with a problem that directly conflicts with your moral beliefs, why does the wall go up? It happens with friends, relatives, members of my family......uggg!

Kids need families. Period. You had two kids stand there and show you the suffering in the world. Sure - there are some gay people that have no business adopting. But, there are millions more straight families that have no business being parents. It's not a gay/straight debate. It's an asshole/good person debate. She kept saying kids needed a mother and father. What about the kids that are being raised by one parent? Should kids be taken away from single parents, too? She couldn't separate her moral beliefs from the problems she faced.

I'm not FOR gay or lesbian marriage or adoption, but I'm DAMN SURE not against it. I'm for kids being raised by loving families. I get angry that the religious and political right fights so hard to keep gays from having the same rights as I do. I don't know how gay marriage and adoption affects me. Actually, I DO know, and I'm o.k. with it. Gay marriage compromises the tradional institution of marriage. Forget that straight couples have ruined that instituion many many years ago. Gay adoption is going to breed more gay kids. I believe that for almost all gay people, it's not something you learn or choose (I think some do choose it....but they are just confused idiots who could decide on what to eat for dinner either). I'm not gay, so it's not something I can begin to JUDGE people on. I am adopting, so I do think I have some say if I think gays should be able to adopt. Bottom line is, if a kid I was "in the running for" was instead adopted by a gay family, I'm going to bet that their situation was better suited for that kid.

And in the end, that's what this lady couldn't see. It's about the kids and what's best for them. If the whole world turned gay and every kid was happy, I'd worship Richard Simmons instead.

What Did You Do Saturday Night?

We didn't have big plans this weekend. My wife has been without a job for some time and our recreational plans have been "scaled back" some over the last month or so. We've gone to a movie or two. We've changed our out-to-eat habits from steak and seafood to burgers and fries. We are being more selective on what we spend our recreational dollars on.

So....when this weekend approached with nothing on the radar, my wife tries to find stuff that will keep me occupied. Inner Space Caverns isn't far away. I've bugged her to go for some time. I enjoyed it when I was a kid. But, we found out tickets were $18 a person. If there were rides in the cave or live music or a stripper pole, it might be worth $18 a person, but that would be about an hour and we'd be out $36 with only stalactite memories to show for it. The cave will be there when we have more money to waste.

So....just when it appeared it would be another evening with our beloved high definition television, I started looking at fun things to do in the area once we get a kid. Trust me - there ain't much. One thing that popped into my mind was Summer Fun Water Park. When I was a kid, it was a swimming pool called Riverside. It was originally built in 1920 and was an "old school" swimming pool. Same pool my mom and aunts and uncles went to as kids. My brother and I went ALLLL the time growing up. I remember the water was ICE COLD and it took 30 minutes just to get my dingle dangles below sea level. There was a high dive....but the pool was only seven foot deep. My brother chipped his tooth on the bottom once. My childhood memories of the place are AWESOME. Then, in 1988 - they closed it and built this thing they call a water park. I have never been back. But, I decided to see what the prices were for when we had a kid we could take there. I have been begging my wife to go to Schlitterbahn with me. That's the MONSTER park about 2 hours away. It's expensive and VERY crowded. My wife doesn't do hot, crowded, and bathing suit.

So....I pulled up the website for Summer Fun Water Park. $17. A little high, but do-able. Then, the gods shined down a ray of light. Summer Fun, for the first time ever, is having Adult Night. There was one in June, one in August, and ONE TONIGHT! Tickets are $15. BYOB. A special "show band" from Austin. I meekly mentioned it to Lori and shockingly, she asked where our swimsuits were. Evidentally, as long as I leave hot out of it, she does crowded and bathing suit!

So, I ran up and got tickets early, went to the store and bought a smaller cooler, a 12 pack of beer, and a new beach towel. By the way - Note to beer companies: If you want me to drink your overpriced, but swell beverage - PUT IT IN A DAMN CAN! I can't take bottles to the water park. I was forced to pick between Miller, Bud, and Natrual Lite (Miller was my choice). I was disappointed that I didn't have more of a choice.

We prepared ourselves accordingly, got there early, moved in front of a big line because we already had tickets, showed our ID's to the portly Belton PD at the door and we staked our our plot of land. I could still recognize a couple of old characteristics of the old Riverside pool 21 years after I had dipped into it's icy confines. There were some "monkey rings" still strung across the big pool that were still there (I became an adult the day I could make it to the end of those). The pool I remember was still there....it had just been modified a little. More slides going into it. A giant mushroom in the middle with water pouring off the sides like a giant umbrella. They had added four water slides. And, there was a "lazy river" that ran around the back of the park. They had plenty of picnic tables, a couple of volleyball courts and some more bells and whistles.

As everybody filed in, 8:00 pm and the owner came over the intercom and told the lifeguards to get in their places. The pools were OPEN! What happened after that was a little bit of Redneck Heaven. There were no whistles by the lifeguards to stop running. Nobody told me that I couldn't take my beer in the pool. Nobody told me I was being too loud. They simply let the rowdy crowd get rowdy. Nobody got hurt. We watched young tattoo-covered, rebel flag bikini wearing, three packs a day couples fight and cry and laugh and yell and splash. It was amazing. Lori and I took our beers into the lazy river and proceeded to float in a circle for over an hour.

We weren't the oldest people there. We weren't the ugliest people there. And God knows we weren't the fattest people there either. I actually gave the lazy river a new name - Whale Watching. I saw more inapropriate bikinis in an hour than I had seen in my whole life. Whoever is making Rebel Flag bikinis in a size 22 needs to stop. Or at least give the sized 22 girls another option.

After an hour, we decided to give up our tubes and head over to the main pool. I had loaded about 200 songs on my iPod and had some speakers just in case. But, the band had started and it appears that they STOLE my exact playlist. The band was called LC Rocks and they looked like they might be distant cousins of step-brothers of some unknown 80's band. But, they did a pretty good job considering there was a big sign right in front of the lead siger that said "DONT RUN". I don't know if Frank Sinatra had to deal with pool warnings.

And that's when I saw it. A sight out of my dreams. The pool had become one giant night club. Everybody had drinks in their hand. There were people making out in every corner. The giant mushroom that so many children play on each and every day and become a giant stripper pole. It was the water park of my dreams. Chlorine became more necessary than it ever has. While being serenaded by Sweet Child of Mine and Rock You Like a Hurricane, people were drinking hurricanes and doing things below the water that brought a whole new meaning to Summer Fun.

We stayed until my beer was long gone and our fingers and toes were as pruned as possible. Three hours of sitting in cool-ish water in the late night 90 degree heat. We cut out a little early because we saw how drunk the people were getting and knew they would be on the road shortly. Stopped off at Whataburger to complete our college-day fantasy.

Now, we'll sit and wait for Adult Night at Inner Space Caverns. Live the dream.