My Daily Struggle

I expect this to be a very rambling post. It kind of mirrors my thoughts on this subject

I have many friends and family that would label themselves "religious." I am not one of them. When the discussion comes up, I say that I am "spiritual" but not religious. When asked what religion I am, I have an easier time telling that person what religions that I'm not. I don't know what religion I am. I avoid the subject when at all possible. I believe it is a personal thing and that my religion (or lack of it) should have no effect on anyone. Witnessing to me will not make me follow your path. I admire people who are that committed to something.

Here's the sentence that scares most of my religious friends and family (I think they think I'm going to hell for thinking this):

I do not believe the Bible is the Christian's "Law Book."

I believe, that it is more a book of fiction than fact. I believe that it was written by men (and women) who believed exactly what they saw, may not have understood it at the time, and told the story the best they could. I believe each Bible story has a moral that we can translate into our lives today, but if it is taken literally, it can not only be incorrect, it can be dangerous depending on how it is interpreted. Christians told me it was "guided by the hand of God." Isn't everything guided by the hand of God. Humans are imperfect. To expect the Bible to be the perfect book is asking too much.

I've struggled with this belief my whole life, but as I grow older and question things (like I was encouraged to do at an early age), I find I am less religious than I thought I was when I was younger. Some of the stories just don't make sense. How big would Noah's boat have to be to get two of every animal? How many people built this boat? Wouldn't other people that had boats survive, too? If people saw Noah building this giant boat, wouldn't you think SOMEBODY would have taken more notice and maybe build a boat of their own? Why didn't some of those animals eat the other animals? What did they eat for 40 days? Where did they go to the bathroom?

Don't get me wrong. I don't think this is all one big cosmic accident. I believe someone or something bigger than us had something to do with it. But I don't believe God's plan includes some of the trivial things in our lives that so many people tend to "Thank God" for. I believe God created the Earth, gave it a spin and watched things happen. I believe in heaven and hell but I do not think any one religion has it right. I think most religion is set up to make you feel better about what happens once you die. Nobody knows. But, sometimes I think they think they do. I do not think "God works in mysterious ways" is always the answer to the tough questions. Sometimes, people are just assholes.

I think I just don't like churches as a group. There are good individual churches. But, too often, it becomes more about the social group and money than it is about God. There tends to be more judging of people in churches than out of churches. What do I care if gay people get married? Is it really that big of a deal if the word "God" is in our pledge of alligience or on our money? I know who God is. I'm not against taking "God" off of our pledge. But I can't say I'm for it either. It is what it is. I don't know that changing it matters as much as everyone fusses about. I had a pastor tell me (to my face) that I was not allowed to join the church until I committed a pledge of 10% of my total income. The consequences if I didn't? I would not be allowed to join and I could possibly go to hell. Yeah. Seriously.

Maybe it's been more on my mind recently now that I will be a parent to a little boy or girl that will have questions soon. What do I say? I do want to get involved in a church - probably my parent's church that is close by. But I'm not sure I want that particular church group to be my son/daughter's primary social group. I like the group of people that church has become. For the most part, they let me come when I feel the need. There is a little bit of pressure to "let us see you more often".

I pray. But, I think I'm talking to myself as much as I'm talking to God. I don't REALLY expect him to turn the red light green before I have to stop. I don't REALLY want him to determine if the person calling is someone I want to talk to and not my grumpy boss. I do have a running conversation (mostly in my head) with "God" about more serious subjects. I need to have the conversation. If He's listening, great. If not, I still need to have the conversation - so what's the harm?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe my doubt will cost me in the long run. Some Christians have asked me "What if you're wrong?" My answer is "What if YOU are wrong?" I've been looked down upon by several people way more religious than me, only to discover that their moral character is way more suspect than mine. I feel bad for those people. It looks like too much pressure to come across as so "godly" when the cracks are showing. I have owned up to what I'm not. I hope I have owned up to what I am as well.