School for Parents

I've had a wonderful weekend with my kids.  July 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays because it was always around ALL my family.  To experience it with my own kids was awesome.  But, I'm tired.  It's tiring doing things with the kids.  I knew it would be, but nobody ever warned me about a lot of things that I think I had the right to know about before I became a parent.

Then I realized, no new parent knows.  They just kind of learn along with their kids and before long, they don't even know they know it.  Well....I have a million dollar idea to change that:  The University of REAL Parenting.  It's going to be great.  I have a whole set of classes just waiting to be taken.

How to Open Childrens Toys

When I was a kid, it was all about how to put the toys together.  My father would stay up all night to put that bike together, that game together......not anymore.  Everything is done for you these days.  Cheaply, but already assembled in most cases.  However, now it's the PACKAGING that is the real challenge.  Expert parents describe the panic and fear that they faced the first time their five year old demanded that they play with their Barbie NOW while the parent tried to figure out how to get the miriad of twist ties off of Barbie's legs and off of the cardboard backing.  Techniques in cutting the plastic casings so that the toy is not ruined before it even leaves the box are explored in the advanced classes.  A masters program will be offered in how to save every little scrap of the packaging in case the item ever needed to be returned for a refund.

Always Have a Little Screwdriver for Battery Compartments

No more lost battery compartment covers like when we were kids and duct tape helped hold the batteries in place.  There are little screws that help parents remember not to lose those covers.  The importance of having the right sized screwdriver so that when the batteries go out your seven year old won't commit a third degree felony on the toy is the main topic of this course.  Advanced courses discuss the importance of always having the right sized batteries at any given moment.  The masters program focuses on how to change the batteries of a Leapster 2 game while driving, on the phone, and breaking up a fight in the back seat.

Buying Tickets With your Six Year Old In Mind

On the surface, buying tickets to a movie, play, circus, concert, or sporting even might seem like a simple task.  Most new parents who want to please their child try to get the best possible seat so that the event is the most enjoyable.  However, what any parent who has been through this even once can tell - this is a falsehood of epic proportions.  The importance of BATHROOM LOCATION will be discussed for the majority of this course.  Advanced classes focus on bathroom breaks and the intervals at which these must be taken in relation to A) Concession Stand visits  B) Size of soda purchased  C) When the most important/interesting/special moment of the event is going to happen as to not miss it by standing in line for the bathroom.  The masters program will delve into how to position yourself so that your seating allows for minimal inconvenience of the people around you.

Six Year Old Negotiations

Once the new parent has successfully completed their law degree from an Ivy League University, they will be allowed to take this introductory course in negotiating with a six-year-old.  Techniques such as remembering exactly what was said three months ago so that "But you said..." can be rendered useless will be discussed.  Dealing with difficult situations such as "That's Not Fair," "I don't like that food this time," "Last time you let me," and the dreaded "but pleassssse?" are dealt with in an unemotional process.  There is no Masters program for this subject.  If anyone is able to actually pass this course, you get the Masters degree for free!

How to Turn a 5 Minute Game into a 2 Hour Time Waster

There is nothing scarier to a seasoned parent than a rainy Saturday morning with nothing planned for the day.  How to fill THAT many hours?  This course will teach you 1001 ways to keep a 6 year old occupied with a deck of playing cards, a rubber band, and a stick.  Parents that pass this class are eligable to participate in teaching the "How to Survive a Wolf Attack" class.

Don't Listen to the Experts - The TV is the Best Babysitter

Many new parents who have taken parenting classes have been told for years not to just put their kids in front of the TV and let the television do the parenting for them.  At The University of Real Parenting, we challenge that belief system.  The simple fact is, the people that program childrens television are probably pretty good people.  Spongebob must have some educational value.  iCarlie seems to be a good show.  As kids, we had to look past questionable TV role models such as Peppermint Patty and Marcie (why did she call her Sir?), Bert and Ernie, and H.R. Puffinstuff.  What harm could todays programming do to our kids?  Let the TV executives who spend millions on focus groups and marketing do their job.  You owe it to your kids.
 

The Art of Never Answering "Why?"

This simple word has caused nervous breakdowns in parents for years.  This class will focus on the simple task of NEVER answering the question of WHY.  "Can I have a cookie?  No.  Why?"  The end.  Common mistakes of "Because I said So" and actually trying to reason with the child through a useless game of logic and understanding are dissected.  By simply making it policy, parents have been able to actually enjoy their lives again.

Ending A Fit Without Bloodshed

The University of Real Parenting is still searching for a suitable professor for this position.